Paramount Gets 5 Minutes Of Press, Loses Billions

Sumner Redstone doesn't need any advice from me since he has approximately a gazillion more dollars than I do, but I am thinking he sold short at the wrong time here. Cutting Tom Cruise, realistically to be rid of high salaries but likely because of bad polls, sounds like the public relations move of a crotchedly old man who has lost his mind.

This is the guy who paid $8 billion for Blockbuster. In 1997. You know, just before DVDs came out and everyone and their brother got them through the mail. MacGyver couldn't rescue Blockbuster today, no matter how much duct tape and bailing twine you gave him.

And Redstone decided that an $85 billion merger with CBS was a good idea last year. You know, CBS. Is he competing with Time-Warner for most bone-headed merger of all time? We'll see.

Tom Cruise may be a complete whacko. I have never met the guy but I hear enough crazy stories that some of them are probably true. But he is box office gold. If he can sneeze and make a $400 million movie, I don't think it's a good idea to cut ties and have him competing against you in summer 2007.

"As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal," Redstone was quoted as saying in the Wall Street Journal report e-mailed to reporters. "His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount."

Redstone may be the kind of numbskull who has Forrest Gump-ed his way into being head of a big company but making decisions based on personalities is not how he got there. So he is senile or playing a dangerous game with the press. Cruise is setting up his own company with Paula Wagner so this may be just spin on the part of Redstone. And Cruise has buckets of money to do small, important films and get Oscars that put butts in seats for action movies.

Ever hear of United Artists? Yeah, you have. Well, there are two words behind that company: Charlie Chaplin. Never underestimate an eccentric, pissed off star you just let walk without even getting draft picks.

Paris Hilton Loves Her New Album

She says she likes to cry when she listens to her album "Paris," because it is so good.

I don't really need to add anything to that to make it funny, do I?

Tom & Jerry Want To Give Your Kids Lung Cancer

Discrimination, political correctness or right-minded concern? Depends on who you ask. But British Channel Boomerang has banned two episodes of Tom & Jerry because, as they say, smoking is glamorized. And that's bad.

I guess Tom attempting to eat Jerry every episode and hitting each other with frying pans and generally wrecking the house is okay in Britain but smoking references need to be squelched.

Why would they do something like this? Because a viewer complained. Yes, one. Heck, I can get 10,000 people to support Saddam Hussein just by going to the Democratic Convention so you can get one person to complain about almost anything. Next on the list, said said Cecilia Persson, vice president of programming, acquisitions and presentation for Boomerang's parent, Turner Broadcasting UK, are "The Flintstones," "The Jetsons" and "Scooby Doo." Somehow I knew a company started by Ted Turner would be behind all of this.

Oh well, they didn't seem to mention Curious George. I don't know what would happen if kids saw him smoking.

Scientists Rush To Test Free Energy Discovery

Yes, that's it, they claim they have discovered free energy. It's alongside David Copperfield's Fountain Of Youth on the road to El Dorado ... but be careful, because it's guarded by the Easter Bunny.

Shocker: LA People Don't Like Country Music

Wait ... neither does New York City. Why are we just hearing about this? I guess I can believe it about LA, because they only have prosthetic ears, but New York? I would have thought a city that was 60% immigrants would love homespun music made by people who hate everyone who doesn't love country music.* But, no, it's true. LA has apparently lost its last country music station. KZLA-FM is out of business after 20 years.

I guess there won't be any NASCAR races there any time soon. Or football games. What's up with that? Is LA totally lacking in culture or something? Not at all, say country music fans. They contend that country album sales in LA are second in the nation and that concerts regularly sell out.

Well, concerts are only 20,000 people. KZLA ranked 20th among the 80 radio stations in Los Angeles and attracted about 550,000 listeners a week. The new station will target women between 25 and 54. Amen to that.

Erik Olson, a 22-year-old barn manager (!) at Circle K Horse Rentals in Glendale had this to say, "I got back in my truck and they weren't there anymore. I called my wife and said, `What the hell's going on? They've changed their format."

Well said, Mr. Olson!

*Except the Dixie Chicks. No one likes them any more. I guess the little fat one should learn to shut her mouth.

Busta Rhymes Wants Street Cred

He's tired of being somewhere below Will Smith on the 'black man everyone everyone can laugh at' ladder of success so he has decided to branch into violence instead.

MC Hammer, this is your career calling. It's been a good year for Busta Rhymes, publicity-wise. He's wanted for questioning regarding a shooting and has been sued by a fan for authorizing a beatdown when the fan asked for an autograph. Now assault.

If it turns out he was with Bam Margera's uncle, it will kind of close the circle on his career, don't you think?

Creepy Uncle Of D-List Celebrity Arrested

Talk about six degrees of obscurity. I never heard of either of these guys. I guess I don't watch enough crap on TV. But anyway, Vincent "Don Vito" Margera, uncle of Viva La Bam star Bam Margera, was held without bond Saturday on a charge of sexual assault on a child.

The article doesn't say whether the child was a boy or a girl but I suppose Hollywood will be relieved if it's a girl. Then they can show some appropriate indignation. It must be tiresome having to choose whether or not to support a gay pedophile.

Apparently they are both in Viva La Bam on MTV, which focuses on Bam Margera playing practical jokes on his parents and uncle, whose dialogue is often unintelligible. You want jokes? Let's talk about MTV's programming choices.