Jessica Biel Is A Cheap Date

And officially a good sport. And she raised $30,000 for a charity auction by donating a lunch date. A local guy named John paid $30,000 for the opportunity to hit on Biel, who was rightfully ESQUIRE's 'sexiest woman alive' last year. Said Biel in a taped message, "I promise, I'm a cheap date." Nope. Biel just went up in stature, I am thinking.

I bought a date with an actress for charity once. Why? Well, it's a tax write-off and, if I didn't, a 5'10" blonde girl was going to be stuck eating with some fat guy who smelled funny.

Have you seen her in anything? No, but neither had I. Go here if you want to download a clip of what low-budget, terrifically profitable horror movies look like. As if the title Vamps 2: Blood Sisters doesn't tell you what you need to know.

Expect John to make his move on Jessica Biel August 18th. He owes it to men everywhere.

Science Saves Lives

So science isn't all bad. Sure, they invented guns, which accidentally kill 1,500 Americans a year, but they also invented cars, which accidentally kill 43,000 Americans per ... oh, wait, maybe that isn't a good example.

Here's a better one. They found a CURE FOR CANCER! Well, Dr. Miracles did. Like most good men of science he has a sense of humor and makes his job fun, though I bet his approach is more popular in Europe.



I'm not kidding. I have been to Europe a lot and one thing I can tell you is, they know what they like. They think we're all Quakers or Puritans or one of those religions that left Europe because they didn't like porn on TV or on wood block carvings or whatever they used in the 1600s, and we figure that constant exposure to porn makes you more likely to want to pee when you have urinals that look like this:



That was in a McDonald's in Holland but I always say, 'Hey, it's Holland. If they weren't the deviancy capital of western Europe, what would they have?' Some people didn't agree and complained. Stupid Puritan tourists. 'When in Rome ...' as the saying goes, so if seeing that urinal over and over makes some Dutch girl want to be your toilet monkey when you visit Amsterdam, I say go for it. It's not a fetish of mine but I don't have one. Believe me, I have tried to find one. That's a whole blog all by itself.

Yet I always happy for people who do have a fetish, even if it's something like videos of girls who get their cars stuck in the mud, which we don't really get.



I mean, I get it. It's hot girls, in bikinis, trying to get their cars out of the mud. But I don't get it the same way people who buy these videos do, any more than I get why people are not stampeding the gates of Denver Airport to bid on an auction for a date with Jessica Biel.

It's Jessica Biel, people. She may look like a horse but she has a hot body and she's a pretty good sport for agreeing to go to lunch with any nerd who buys her at a charity auction.