Hilary Swank's Guide To Relationships

I just learned that Hilary Swank and some guy named Chad Lowe ( i.e. nobody ) are getting a divorce after a long separation.   I have to tell you I saw this coming.

Did I see this coming because she has an Oscar and forgot to mention him when she received it?

No.

Did I see it coming because a girl who looks like this should have stepped up to someone who does not look like her little sister a long time ago?

No, that's not it either, but a good guess. After all, studies have shown that if you look more feminine than your wife, she will find a man instead.

Science rules when it comes to finding out stuff like that. Swank recognizes she erred by not consulting science the first time around. Says her: "I make mistakes; I'm not some squeaky-clean person here."

You heard it here first, folks. She needs discipline and is a dirty girl. The line forms after me.

Anyway, we are here to talk about relationships and Hilary Swank tanking her starter marriage is just the catalyst. After years of research, study and empirical analysis, science is ready to give you some scientific rules:

Rule #1 - For men. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The average response in our surveys was 4. The actual number as disclosed by the friends of the women in the surveys was 11.

Rule #2 - For women. If you are a call girl ( read: prostitute, only more expensive ) you don't need to write to Dear Abby to get advice, you can just ask me; and my answer is you are better off not telling your boyfriend. It's unlikely he is going to be happy with this fact. Guys, even if your wife/girlfriend is not a call girl, if all of her male friends call her 'baby' and compliment her body and she tells you to ignore them, you have a problem. That goes for the internet too; if she is spending her nights in chat rooms instead of giving you sweet lovin', you are the dumbest guy on planet Earth. The best part about that last sentence; 11 women I know will read it and think I am talking about them.

Rule #3 - For men. It is impossible to trust the girl who gives you the best blow job of your life. This needs no explanation.

Rule #4 - For men again, because we need more advice. If your girlfriend is a call girl and you dumped her and met a new girl be creative in how you pursue her. For example, if you were the seventh guy in a weekend porno shoot and never got to talk to your bukkake queen, you can always put an ad on Craig's List and invite her for coffee. It works. I got my first STD that way. The porno shoot, I mean, not Craig's List. Though I bet you can find those on Craig's List too. That site has everything. Mostly relationships take trust and that requires honesty but, since you can't always expect honesty, you should rely on science instead. Here are some facts to get you through the tough times, courtesy of the Harlequin Romance Report 2006:

* British and Australian men drink too much. And admit it. That means they drink a lot more than they are admitting. So if you date one of them, don't start complaining about it.

* 80% of Brazilian and Mexican men lied about their relationship status. Why would they bother? Brazilian and Mexican women assume they are lying and don't care. Telling the truth might be a goldmine. Kind of like being a straight guy in San Francisco. Sure, women may assume you are gay at first but ...

* 70% of German women lied about their relationship status. Which tells you what you need to know about German men. On the other hand, with 70% of German women you can't tell what gender they are anyway.

* 50% of Italian and German men lied about income to attract the opposite sex. This explains why most German women continue to shop around. It doesn't explain anything at all about Italian men that you didn't already know. Namely, that they are hound dogs. I went to Italy with Lady Scientist and had to walk next to her with a hockey stick to keep them from "Buongiorno"-ing her every five seconds.

* 40% of Portugese men rated intelligence over appearance. Not a single Australian respondent said that. So we know that 40% of Portugese lie and that Australian men are honest about both their drinking and that they only like you for your looks. Which is scary, if you have seen Australian women.

* 63% of men and women in the USA specified humor as the most important factor in their attraction to the opposite sex. Which tells you that this survey is full of crap. 73% of Canadians said the same thing, so at least Americans aren't as full of crap as Canadians.

There you have it - science data and solid advice to help you in your relationships. Remember, in any marriage you are going to be either Chad Lowe or Hilary Swank. Choose wisely.