Surest Sign Of The Apocalypse - No More Blondes
Researchers at the World Health Organization ( WHO? ) are claiming that the last natural blonde will be born in Finland in 2202.
How is such a crime against nature possible? Well, blondes really are more fun - even Opie's daughter can get a job in a hit movie once she turned blonde. This is apodictically evident by virtue of the fact that when the last Ice Age ended 11,000 years ago blonde hair and blue eyes were developed as a competitive advantage in getting a caveman. And you have to admire the chutzpah and fun-loving nature of any girl willing to change her genetic makeup to please you.
I happen to be a caveman if, by caveman, you mean someone who grabs his woman by the hair and throws her over furniture on occasion, so I can verify that this study makes sense. But men are a lot more plentiful now than 11,000 years ago so fewer blondes are being born. They just don't need the advantage these days because we aren't going off on dangerous hunting trips like cavemen did and the only war I have witnessed pretty much consists of staring at photos of Jessica Simpson lovingly cradling a gun big enough to shoot down the moon.
Anyway, do not panic. As always, science has the answer. By 2202 we'll have figured out ways to make all women at least 5'8" tall with long blonde hair, unquestioned fidelity and the dangerous undercurrent of a deviant streak. And girls, if you are lucky, all men will be like me.
How is such a crime against nature possible? Well, blondes really are more fun - even Opie's daughter can get a job in a hit movie once she turned blonde. This is apodictically evident by virtue of the fact that when the last Ice Age ended 11,000 years ago blonde hair and blue eyes were developed as a competitive advantage in getting a caveman. And you have to admire the chutzpah and fun-loving nature of any girl willing to change her genetic makeup to please you.
I happen to be a caveman if, by caveman, you mean someone who grabs his woman by the hair and throws her over furniture on occasion, so I can verify that this study makes sense. But men are a lot more plentiful now than 11,000 years ago so fewer blondes are being born. They just don't need the advantage these days because we aren't going off on dangerous hunting trips like cavemen did and the only war I have witnessed pretty much consists of staring at photos of Jessica Simpson lovingly cradling a gun big enough to shoot down the moon.
Anyway, do not panic. As always, science has the answer. By 2202 we'll have figured out ways to make all women at least 5'8" tall with long blonde hair, unquestioned fidelity and the dangerous undercurrent of a deviant streak. And girls, if you are lucky, all men will be like me.
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