Claire Danes Needed Therapy For Ghosts

Nothing makes me giggle like B-list actresses saying stupidly ridiculous things. Even fame-whoring British magazine reporters are aghast that she contends she had to go into therapy when she was six years old for seeing ghosts.

"In New York City, everybody goes into therapy. Yeah! Oh my God, yeah! I mean, sure, I had trouble, I was seeing ghosts and stuff, but it's to do with the New York environment, I guess. But yeah, I struggled as a kid but it didn't, you know, define me."

Apparently it did. And what does she mean 'everyone' goes into therapy? Excuse me, did Claire Danes get a medical degree when I was off taking a piss? Because, if appearing in The Mod Squad made her qualified to utter that statement, my experience running for student government means I can demand all of you call me Mayor McCheese from now on.

Uma Thurman Is Available

In an interview in Britain's Grazia Magazine, Uma Thurman says she is still "out there and available if anyone's interested. As one who adores the male species, I feel compassionately towards them. I've studied them carefully like a hunter watches its prey. I love all the guys out there."

Now, before you fellas get all hopped up on testosterone and give her a call, you need a quick primer on what it means when a Hollywood starlet says she is "available if anyone's interested." So I'll save you some time and excerpt "Cash's Guide To Dating Hot Chicks" Chapter 4 - 'Dating A Celebrity.'

When a celebrity says she is 'available' she is trying to make it sound like she is sitting around nights waiting for just any old guy. It pumps up the fan base by letting boys think they have a fighting chance. Sure, there are cases to back that up, like Renee Zellweger marrying some guy named Kenny Chesney and Christina Aguilera giving hope to ugly guys everywhere but those really are exceptions. It's sort of like if you meet a normal girl at a bar and she says "A guy's car isn't important to me." What than translates into, if you have purchased your handy Cash's Woman-To-Man Decoder Ring, is "A nice care won't help you get laid but a crappy car will certainly hurt."

On the upside, she's 6 feet tall and only weighs 128, so you can throw her around the kitchen like a goddamn pizza box and barely break a sweat. And she dresses like this on occasion:



The downside is that she married Ethan Hawke. So she has a thing for pretentious asses. Feel free to comment if you have a strategy to nail Uma Thurman. I know, I know, you're asking why I don't do it myself. I agree that when I talk about women on my blog, I am invincible. But luckily for Uma I am taken.

Heidi Fleiss To Open Male Bordello

In the best idea I have heard of since Microsoft® BOB® and Smucker's® Goober®, convicted madame Heidi Fleiss has decided what Nevada needs is an all-male bordello. Now, I can understand why men might visit a brothel. I have seen some of my fellow men in action trying to land dates ... and it ain't pretty. Paying is always better when you're too incompetent to hold a decent conversation. And if there's one thing I know, it's that women expect conversation before they give it up. Or an Alaskan winter's worth of cocaine.

But, holy mackerel, why would women need a brothel? Women can go into pretty much any bar in America and announce "I have a vagina" and immediately be handed a line of willing men so long it can be seen from the space shuttle.

This is not to say it will be hard for Fleiss to find employees. Men, confused at the idea of getting paid for sex, have already flooded her with a 1,000 applications.

You're thinking this would be a great business for me to go into, right? I don't need the press. I am already the cause of more web-based female masturbation fantasies than Brad Pitt and George Cloony combined because of this blog.