Cannes or Cans?

Clearly Dean Hamilton isn't sure why he is at Cannes with Pamela Anderson. Presumably it's to pose with Pamela Anderson and do "Blonde and Blonder" promos.

Maybe he got distracted?

Hilary Swank's Guide To Relationships

I just learned that Hilary Swank and some guy named Chad Lowe ( i.e. nobody ) are getting a divorce after a long separation.   I have to tell you I saw this coming.

Did I see this coming because she has an Oscar and forgot to mention him when she received it?

No.

Did I see it coming because a girl who looks like this should have stepped up to someone who does not look like her little sister a long time ago?

No, that's not it either, but a good guess. After all, studies have shown that if you look more feminine than your wife, she will find a man instead.

Science rules when it comes to finding out stuff like that. Swank recognizes she erred by not consulting science the first time around. Says her: "I make mistakes; I'm not some squeaky-clean person here."

You heard it here first, folks. She needs discipline and is a dirty girl. The line forms after me.

Anyway, we are here to talk about relationships and Hilary Swank tanking her starter marriage is just the catalyst. After years of research, study and empirical analysis, science is ready to give you some scientific rules:

Rule #1 - For men. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The average response in our surveys was 4. The actual number as disclosed by the friends of the women in the surveys was 11.

Rule #2 - For women. If you are a call girl ( read: prostitute, only more expensive ) you don't need to write to Dear Abby to get advice, you can just ask me; and my answer is you are better off not telling your boyfriend. It's unlikely he is going to be happy with this fact. Guys, even if your wife/girlfriend is not a call girl, if all of her male friends call her 'baby' and compliment her body and she tells you to ignore them, you have a problem. That goes for the internet too; if she is spending her nights in chat rooms instead of giving you sweet lovin', you are the dumbest guy on planet Earth. The best part about that last sentence; 11 women I know will read it and think I am talking about them.

Rule #3 - For men. It is impossible to trust the girl who gives you the best blow job of your life. This needs no explanation.

Rule #4 - For men again, because we need more advice. If your girlfriend is a call girl and you dumped her and met a new girl be creative in how you pursue her. For example, if you were the seventh guy in a weekend porno shoot and never got to talk to your bukkake queen, you can always put an ad on Craig's List and invite her for coffee. It works. I got my first STD that way. The porno shoot, I mean, not Craig's List. Though I bet you can find those on Craig's List too. That site has everything. Mostly relationships take trust and that requires honesty but, since you can't always expect honesty, you should rely on science instead. Here are some facts to get you through the tough times, courtesy of the Harlequin Romance Report 2006:

* British and Australian men drink too much. And admit it. That means they drink a lot more than they are admitting. So if you date one of them, don't start complaining about it.

* 80% of Brazilian and Mexican men lied about their relationship status. Why would they bother? Brazilian and Mexican women assume they are lying and don't care. Telling the truth might be a goldmine. Kind of like being a straight guy in San Francisco. Sure, women may assume you are gay at first but ...

* 70% of German women lied about their relationship status. Which tells you what you need to know about German men. On the other hand, with 70% of German women you can't tell what gender they are anyway.

* 50% of Italian and German men lied about income to attract the opposite sex. This explains why most German women continue to shop around. It doesn't explain anything at all about Italian men that you didn't already know. Namely, that they are hound dogs. I went to Italy with Lady Scientist and had to walk next to her with a hockey stick to keep them from "Buongiorno"-ing her every five seconds.

* 40% of Portugese men rated intelligence over appearance. Not a single Australian respondent said that. So we know that 40% of Portugese lie and that Australian men are honest about both their drinking and that they only like you for your looks. Which is scary, if you have seen Australian women.

* 63% of men and women in the USA specified humor as the most important factor in their attraction to the opposite sex. Which tells you that this survey is full of crap. 73% of Canadians said the same thing, so at least Americans aren't as full of crap as Canadians.

There you have it - science data and solid advice to help you in your relationships. Remember, in any marriage you are going to be either Chad Lowe or Hilary Swank. Choose wisely.

Bond. Cash Bond.

People who have known me for a long time know that when I am not dazzling the world with scientific brilliance, I am a Formula One race car driver who also solves mysteries on TV. What the rest of you may not know is that I was also the star of a major motion picture.

It was a different take on the James Bond story - I played an American spy who pretends to be a scientist and the movie was about what would happen if all those spurned women from my adventures got together for revenge. They kept the title simple and to-the-point: Cash Must Die. Sadly, this movie lost its financing during production ( Chopper Chicks In Zombie Town III went over budget and they diverted the money, those bastards ) and the script is tied up in legal so this movie poster is all that remains.



Anyway, given that history, some people have thought I was a little hard on the new James Bond because of resentment. Not at all. I had no problem that a short guy with one third my intelligence was getting the role of a lifetime. My skepticism was based on facts, like the fact that he only got the role after experiencing the magic of Sienna Miller's career-enhancing vagina. Something I was not allowed. That Lady Scientist is such a cock-blocker.

Other people echoed my skepticism. I was not the only one to write criticisms that he couldn't take a punch or, even worse for James Bond, that he couldn't drive an Aston-Martin.

But I am here to say, my friends, that sometimes I can be wrong. I should have known that bringing back Martin Campbell, the guy who directed one of the greatest Bond movies of all time would outweigh anything else. And they took Bond back to the basics. I never said Craig wasn't a good actor and he certainly did a terrific job here. By the end of the movie he could well be the best Bond of all time.

Also, if for no other reason, you should pay money to go see the guy who does the free running stunt in the post-title sequence. He is something spectacular to behold. They should give that guy his own movie just so we can watch him do that.

So my apologies to you, Daniel Craig. I was wrong. But I wasn't wrong about everything. The movie is not without its flaws. I said the girl they picked to be Vesper was basically about as attractive as a French bag lady, and my suspicion was confirmed:

The Media Is Just Too Darn Suggestive These Days

With all this business about girls dressing like tramps and articles stating that 140 incidents of sexual behavior occur on prime-time network television each week I am starting to worry that the media might be a tad over the top.

Sure, you will automatically dismiss that kind of talk as an aging guy romancing the days of his youth. I usually think that also. I know we had suggestive TV when I was a kid. And R-rated movies. We didn't have the Halloween costumes some of these girls wear but I can't say that is going to tank our culture. We had Porky's and civilization didn't end.

So I sit down next to Lady Scientist to discuss it with her. You know, get the female perspective. She's watching Veronica Mars on the handy Replay DVR. It's a rerun but I haven't seen any of them since the first season so it's new to me even if it's from last spring. We are chatting along and suddenly I hear them make reference to a Clint Eastwood movie and then a Mexican comic book character. I guess because the guy she is talking to is a latino cop.

I grab my laptop.

"Are you blogging again?" she asks. "These people can't possibly find you that interesting."

"Noooo, I am googling Dirty Sanchez. He was a comic book character. Mexican or something. I can't remember."

"I don't think that's what they're talking about."

"That's why I am Googling it. If you don't know, and I don't know ... Google."

"I didn't say I didn't know. I said that's not what they're talking about."

"You know?"

"Of course," she says, "I'm an aerospace engineer."

????

But I let that go and she tells me what it is and why it is on TV during prime time and explains that TV networks aren't reflecting the mores of society these days, they are creating them. In order to be edgier and more relevant to the target youth market they have to go out of their way to be a little more flagrant each year. It doesn't help that cable is exempt from censors either.

"Okay, at least explain to me why they think teenagers want to do this Sanchez thing."

"No one actually does it," she says. "They just talk about it. So if 2% of kids talk about it, desperate TV writers will stick it in their show in order to appeal to the insecure kids who want to feel cool. Didn't you just do a whole rant on why NY should ban KFC? You should go after TV."

"Actually, I was against the KFC ban. Got clubbed like a baby seal for it too. But yeah, if New York people care about kids enough to ban optional food they should certainly frown on TV references to comic book characters doing stuff that I can't even see on stage in Tijuana."

But just to be sure it wasn't old age I decided to check some of my old comic books and see if they were as bad when I was a kid and I scanned in the one you see below.

Nope. Nothing suggestive here:

When Good Girls Go Bad

I guess the NY Times is just discovering that Halloween is the perfect time for women to let out their inner tramp.

Men knew this. Hell, we invented Halloween many years ago for no other reason than to get Celtic women out of those ill-fitting robes and into some cool outfits.



Even seeing that picture makes me feel all piratey. If she were here I'd totally make her surrender her booty.

“It’s a night when even a nice girl can dress like a dominatrix and still hold her head up the next morning,” said Linda M. Scott, the author of Fresh Lipstick: Redressing Fashion and Feminism and a professor of marketing at the University of Oxford in England.

Here's some news for Linda. Every day is a good day to dress up like a dominatrix, whether you can hold up your head the next morning or not.

Should any of you happen to have good pictures of you dressed up like a dominatrix for Halloween, be sure to send them over and I will do a special "Hottest Halloween Girls" post and make you famous. Don't bother to send me fake ones. I have them all.

And should any of you happen to own one of these outfits, I will marry you right now*:



*Marriage offer not available residents of planet earth or the ethereal plane.

How To Be A Real Man

I respect people who do the Iron Man thing. It's not easy to spend a day swimming 2.4 miles, then biking 112 miles and finishing off with a 26.2 mile marathon run.

I read about Dick Hoyt and probably wouldn't have noticed the Iron Man part except I saw he is 65. That's not trivial at any age, much less 65.

Then I saw that he is 65 and does this whole thing carrying his 44-year-old disabled son with him.

Feel like you're having a tough day? Watch this video. If you're a man and you don't break into tears then ... well, that's just not possible.

Science Has Bad News For Goth Chicks - Vampires May Not Be Real

Groundbreaking - and heartwarmingly unessential - research done by University of Central Florida physics professor Costas Efthimiou has attempted to confirm what a generation of suicide girls has always feared - that vampires do not exist.

His reasoning? On Jan 1, 1600, the human population was just over 530 million people. If one vampire existed on that day and bit one person per month, and then each new vampire also bit one person per month, by 1605 the entire planet would be nothing except vampires.

Now, I am okay with there being no vampires, though I think the world would be poorer without that cinema classic, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

And, without vampires, I would not be able to spend 4 seconds scouring the internet and find pictures like this:



So we can't just let someone claim they have wiped out a millenium of folklore by doing simple ( very simple ) math. First, let's deal with the premise behind his numbers. Professor Efthimiou's research assumes that each vampire bite results in another vampire being created. People, if there's one thing I know, it's vampires ( and Thai transvestites, but hey, that is a post for another time ) and I need only point you to the definitive work on the matter, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, to state unequivocally that vampires don't always create more vampires. They only create vampires out of people they really like, or who have waistlines like Vampira:



Yes, she looks as all women should look; like a sexy, zombie skeleton.

Additionally, back in 2000, in the British series Ultraviolet, it was clarified that vampires wouldn't feed themselves to extinction any more than we would keep on killing buffalo until they were almost gone.

This was on TV, people. If you can't believe what you see on TV, I can't reason with you.

Professor Efthimiou's simple and surprisingly jingoistic math and logic errors mean that there is still at least some statistical chance that vampires could exist. However, there is also some statistical chance I am a Chinese jet pilot. Yet, since the chance exists that vampires are roaming the earth, it can't hurt to have a vampire slayer handy. Everyone goes for Buffy. I'd rather have a little Faith.