The New James Bond Is A Wuss - But He'll Get Naked

Daniel Craig has been under fire from moment one. Not many people have thought he would be good in the role - except the daughter of the guy who built the franchise. We've already established that English chicks are nuts and having a girl pick the next James Bond is proof of it.

So he's blonde and that isn't good. But whatever. He's also a major league wuss who can't even drive JB's car and that's a little harder to forgive.

So what is his answer to all those criticisms?

"I have told bosses I'm prepared to do a full frontal scene. I'm not shy and Bond wouldn't be shy about it either," says Craig.

HUH? You think that will make the movie BETTER? Does Craig not understand his boss is actually not the audience for James Bond films? Men go to see these movies and the last thing men want to see is Daniel Craig naked. Men want to see hot chicks in a James Bond movie and instead they are giving us a crazy French bag lady. We want cool technology and instead they are giving us an Aston-Martin automatic because Daniel can't learn how to drive a stick. And he apparently can't take a punch either. If you're confused about what makes a hot Bond girl and what makes a crazy French bag lady, see below. For cool gadgets you are on your own.



Sounds awfully critical of me, right? Why shouldn't I be James Bond, you ask? Why not indeed. I don't have access to Sienna Miller's career-enhancing vagina for one thing - though I have proven that access to it would jump-start my movie career. And my car is cooler than an Aston-Martin, namely because mine starts in the rain. And I can take a punch.

This is also why Sweety calls me Farmboy McDreamy. And she doesn't want me to get famous because she knows Uma Thurman is available.